Species Name: Notalentassclownicus Torturedfartistius
This one has been brewing in my colon for a while and I now feel ready to shit all over Sofia Coppola. There are few people in this world that I despise more than this pretentious, privileged, untalented, angsty, fartist (“fake artist”). To give a little context as to why now I’m choosing to defecate on Sofia’s face, she has just announced her newest film Secret Door starring Kirsten Dunst. The most aggravating part of this announcement is that she’s not releasing a synopsis of the film but instead is only releasing the first scene of her screenplay so we can all revel in her brilliance. She seems to be trying to create an ere of mystery for something that no one gives two shits about.
I have had nothing but contempt for this broad since she ruined what could’ve been the greatest trilogy of all time. Exhibit A:
Now, picture how much more emotional that scene would’ve been if you hadn’t been hoping that “Mary” (Sofia Coppola) would get shot so we would be spared any more of her “acting.” Believe it when I say this movie would’ve won “Best Picture,” thus completing the first ever trifecta “Best Picture” win, at the 1990 Oscars had it not been for Sofia Coppola.
Before all you die hard Lost in Translation fans show up at my door with torches and pitchforks, bitching and complaining about how I’m just jealous that I don’t have a famous director father to make my life easier… well, you’re right. I’m not hating on Sofia for having one of the greatest filmmakers of all time as her father. I’m hating on her because she sucks.
In a world where Sofia Coppola didn’t exist to make pointless, asinine movies:
- I wouldn’t have had to endure The Virgin Suicides which made ME want to commit suicide by the end of the opening credits. The only redeeming quality of that film being Air’s musical score.
- My TV wouldn’t have been thrown through my living room window after Sofia won the Oscar for “Best Original Screenplay” for Lost in Translation. The script had six words in it!
- Marie Antoinette would’ve never been made and the same amount of people would’ve paid to see it — zero.
- Spike Jonze would’ve dodged a major bullet and in turn wouldn’t have lost some of his cred for marrying Sofia. Christ, can you imagine being married to this boring bitch?!
- I would’ve been spared a lot of “I told you so’s” to friends who went to see her last film, Somewhere.