Species Name: Prepubescentius Internetwhoricus
There have been some songs over the years that have made more than just my ears bleed. Certain songs have made me bleed out of every orifice in my body. Yes, every orifice. When I first heard “Barbie Girl” by Aqua, I was an innocent, impressionable fifteen year old boy and afterwards, my childhood was officially over. When I first heard Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Achy Breaky Heart,” I laughed at all those retards who called country music “music” and knew that Billy Ray would eventually have a daughter that he would exploit to keep himself socially relevant. And when I first heard “Macarena” by Los Del Rio, I gave em a pass for being foreigners and not knowing any better. Despite how absolutely fucking annoying those songs might have been, they pale in comparison to Rebecca Black’s “Friday.”
America, stop it! I let Justin Bieber slide because, lets face it, that little lesbian can dance. But this Rebecca Black, has not one goddamn discernible talent. Based on the fact that her lyrics consist of days of the week, I think it’s safe to say that she can’t write past an 8th grade level (probably because she’s a fucking 8th grader). Regarding her sex appeal, she doesn’t have any. And don’t give me that “she’s only fourteen” shit because Britney Spears never looked better than she did in her “Hit Me Baby One More Time” video (Damn, I hope I don’t end up on Megan’s List for this). Finally, there is the issue of Rebecca Black’s voice, but who the fuck knows what that sounds like because her voice is so autotuned, she sounds more robotic than Vicki from Small Wonder.
In a world where Rebecca Black didn’t exist and I didn’t have to lose my faith in humanity:
- Mrs. Black would’ve bought Mr. Black a vasectomy for his birthday and this whole travesty would’ve been avoided.
- Anaheim would’ve contributed one less asshole to the world.
- The ARK music factory would’ve found some other child to whore out to America.
- Friday would still exist in Saturday’s shadow, where it belongs.
- 39,000,000 people would’ve have received that precious 3 minutes and 48 seconds of their life back
My girlfriend teaches 8th grade English and she asked her students to say who their hero was. One student said, “Rebecca Black’s parents. They have extreme talent in paying for a terrible video that embarrases their child. After that they pay youtube to mark comments as spam and remove thumbs up/down to protect her feelings. They have created black hole filled with criticism.”
Now, that’s a fourteen year old with some insight. I’d buy that fourteen year old’s single on iTunes. But Rebecca, I don’t care what day of the week is your favorite because you’re a no talented ass clown on all of them.
But one has to have dreams right?