Posted by: thinningtheherd | March 5, 2011

#111 Gwyneth Paltrow


 

Species Name: Tonedeaficus Boringius

Will someone please stop telling this broad she can sing?  The last person I can remember with such a below mediocre voice managing to parlay it into quasi profit was Eddie Murphy.

At least with Eddie though, the only person who took him seriously was Rick James, and that guy was high on enough on blow to kill a herd of elephants.  But with Gwyneth, it’s as if people are actually reaching out to her for her singing abilities.  What the fuck, people?  Did nobody see Duets?! Oh wait, bad example, because nobody saw Duets.  But if they had, they would’ve seen this vomit inducing vocal performance which should have ended any potential singing career for Paltrow:

Come on, Huey.  You’re better than that.  Needless to say, it seemed we were all safe for the next decade, until she did that movie about people singing about their lovers leaving them alone in their double-wide trailers, crying into their Miller High Life.  I’m referring to Country Strong, which most of you didn’t see unless your IQ manages to be equivalent to that of a tsetse fly.  So she sang a couple of songs in that, big fucking deal.  Anybody can sing country music because it all sounds like shit.  Not only that, but it all sounds like the same shit.

Since Country Strong though, it seems like you can’t turn around without seeing Paltrow butchering some classic song.  If she at least had some charisma it would be one thing, but she seems like as dead a fish performing as she undoubtedly must be with Chris Martin in the bedroom.  Or maybe she saves all her energy for the bedroom.  Let’s hope for that at least… for Chris’ sake.

In a world where Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t exist to make all our ears bleed and bore us to tears:

  • Chris Martin wouldn’t have to shake his head in disbelief every time she tries belting out a song.  Chris: “I’m the bloody singer and you’re the bloody actress.  That’s the deal we agreed upon!  Now, let’s hurry up and take our retardly named son, Apple, to school.”

  • Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn’t have to be treated like your friend at karaoke who you wish would’ve just remained an observer instead of becoming a performer.  You know you’ve had to rustle up a pity clap or two for those friends.
  • Cee-Lo Green wouldn’t have needed muppets on stage during your Grammy’s performance of “Forget You” to compensate for your lack of stage presence, Gwyneth.
  • Blythe Danner could’ve gone back to the drawing board and attempted to pop out an actually talented offspring.
  • We could all forget about Gwyneth’s mediocre film career as well.  And all you Gwyneth fans can stop lauding Shakespeare in Love over our heads.  It was thirteen years ago, and it was her one decent movie.

Congrats, Glee-tards.  You can all rejoice that Gwyneth will be returning to “Glee” this upcoming week to butcher yet another song.  This time it’s Joan Jett’s “Do You Wanna Touch Me?”

No, Gwyneth.  Nobody wants to touch your emaciated corpse of a body.  We’re all too afraid that you might snap in half.  Wait a second!  That’s it!  That’s how we can rid the world of Gwyneth Paltrow!  I’ll call up Christ Martin and tell him to give it to her extra hard the next time they have their annual roll in the hay.  If all goes according to plan, she will shatter into a million pieces and we can all go on with our lives.

But one has to have dreams right?

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Responses

  1. For some fucking reason, the part I find funniest about your posts is the “In a world….”(where so and so didn’t exist). I just picture that announcer guy, that every single movie ever made has to use, butting into the middle of your blog. Don’t give up the swearing; it needs to be done. I have always wanted to do Gwyneth, but I think you’re probably right–she would just lie there.

  2. i totally agree! …and am glad that there’s someone else out there who can tell that she doesn’t have THAT great of a voice!


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