Species Name: Overexposicus Familius
The name may be generic but the family considers themselves to be anything but. Yes, I’m talking about Will Smith, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Jaden Smith, and that little follicle flipping whore, Willow. I detest this family. Sure, they look good in a family portrait, but I know I can’t be the only one who is sick of this family’s overexposure. It’s one thing to be a Hollywood power couple, but it’s a completely different thing to whore your children out at every turn.
Will Smith was more than likable as the “Fresh Prince” and Jada Pinkett was decent enough in…uh…. Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight. But instead of just making millions and then focusing on raising their family, the Smith’s have been pimping their kids out since they came out of the womb. Jaden was the star of a TV show at five years old and Willow had her first movie role as Will Smith’s daughter in I Am Legend at the age of seven. Are the Smith’s compensating for their own bizarre sex life that has been the talk of Hollywood for over a decade? Quite possibly. The rumor is that Will and Jada are both bisexual and have been known to swing from time to time. Again, these are just rumors, but considering that they seem to be in love with themselves, it wouldn’t surprise me that they’d want both genders to “experience” all they have to offer.
The biggest problem I have with the Smith’s is that they seem hellbent to make every other American family feel like worthless losers who aren’t doing anything with their lives. That and they insist on naming their kids after themselves. What a bunch of vain assholes. Hate to break it to you Will, but just because you squirted these kids out of your ballsack doesn’t mean they’re destined to be God’s gift to the world.
In a world where the Smith’s didn’t exist to force their precocious brats down our throats:
- We wouldn’t have to endure Will Smith remaking Annie with Willow in the title role and Jay-Z doing the music. Come on Will, if you are going to rob your daughter of a childhood, at least come up with something original. You already ruined The Karate Kid after all.
- A ten year old wouldn’t be singing the lyrics, “Don’t let haters keep me off my grind.” I’m twenty-eight years old and I don’t have any idea what that means.
- No one would’ve had to endure the mediocrity that is, The Pursuit of Happyness.
- Jada’s show “Hawthorne” wouldn’t exist but it wouldn’t be any big loss because nobody watches the show currently anyway.
- They would need to find another actor to play President Obama in the future biopic. We all know the REAL reason the Smith’s donated all that money to Obama’s campaign…
It’s so hard to swallow that we’ll have to endure more infectious pop songs and bastardizations of classic films by this family. But the reality of the situation is that these kids haven’t even hit puberty yet and although they might hit that awkward phase like Jonathan Lipnicki or Haley Joel Osmont, I fear we won’t be that lucky. If I had to hedge my bets, I’d wager that it’s more likely that this country turns into a monarchy run by the Smith’s. The only one in this family I like anymore is the oldest kid, who up to this point has not insisted on being in the I will die before I hail King Will and Queen Jada!
But one has to have dreams right?