Species Name: Makinglivesalivinghellicus Sadisticus
So to be clear, this entry is to cover every asshole in every city whose job it is to hand out parking tickets. I went with “Meter Maid” because it sounded the most degrading and the closest nomenclature that could accurately represent how much I hate these bottom-feeders of society.
You all deserve a little background in regards to my recent fury towards these municipal twats. I live near a school (and yes, within 50 feet so you can rest assured that I am not a pederast), and consequently, I also live in a neighborhood that has very sparse street parking. Well, last night I returned home around midnight and as expected, street parking was hard to come by. I planned on going to the gym the next morning so I decided to park along the school where you need to move your car by 7am because it’s a school bus drop off zone. Long story short, my alarm went off at 6:15am, and I promptly snoozed it as a result of the multiple glasses of wine I had consumed the previous night and proceeded to enjoy another hour of slumber. As my alarm chimed at 7:15am, I went about my morning ritual of a good long urination when it dawned on me. “Oh, shit!” I threw on some clothes and rushed outside in the hopes that the parking ticket gods might have smiled some good fortune upon me. Well, we all know just how “wishful thinking” worthy that is. To my utter lack of shock, I found that little fucking piece of paper under my windshield wiper, taunting me, judging me. When I pulled the ticket off my windshield and took a glance at it, I expected it be $40-50, cause this wasn’t my first rodeo and I knew how much parking tickets usually run in L.A. $85 FUCKING DOLLARS?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?!
Just when I had gotten used to paying the obligatory $40-50, they hit me with double the ticket because I was in a school zone. I hate these goddamn motherfuckers so goddamn much. Instead of sending the City of Los Angeles a check for the aforementioned $85, I’m tempted to instead go to my bank, get $85 in quarters, and video tape myself pouring them into my toilet as I flush it as a protest metaphor, and mailing that in. However, when rationality rushed back into my brain, I realized, I would still wind up having to pay the $85 ticket, would’ve just wasted another $85 in quarters (and that’s a lot of loads of laundry) and probably would need to hire a plumber.
It seems redundant to list why the world would be a better place without these goddamn masochistic Meter Maids. But instead let me just say this: People hate cops, right? Fuck that, you know why? Because although cops are dicks…they at least do some good in the world. They stop the occasional bad guy when they’re not busy eating Beef n’ Cheddars at Arby’s. But fucking meter maids just live to make people’s lives miserable.
Listen up Meter Maids, you insignifi-cunts! You should really consider thinning yourselves from the herd because frankly, you should be embarrassed to be the scourge of society. Why don’t you go to college to make something of your life, make a fucking difference instead of writing bullshit tickets to ruin people’s days. Fucking assholes. If reincarnation exists, I would rather come back as a housefly who enjoys bathing in shit than one you pricks.
But one has to have dreams right?