Species Name: Gargantuanicus Mediocreus
Now, before you all condemn me for being a racist…hear me out. What is really so great about this girl? Is it just that people are gravitating towards the fact that a morbidly obese girl can make it in Hollywood? Okay, I could get on board with that if I thought she was a good actress. Look, Megan Fox is a shit actress, but she has the fact that she’s smoking hot to compensate for her acting ineptness. Sidibe…doesn’t.
Let’s take a look at Precious since it’s pretty much the only thing Sidibe has been in. I know you all felt terribly sorry for the poor girl in Precious, being molested by her father, beaten by her mother, and left with no other choice but to five finger discount fried chicken. But we all know the real star of this movie was Mo’Nique. That performance was worthy of all the acclaim it got, but Mo’Nique do us all favor, and cut those acceptance speeches down and shave your arms. Gabourey Sidibe was fine in that movie but nothing groundbreaking. But I also have a personal bias against movie with a long winded title like: Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire. You didn’t see Apocalypse Now! calling itself Apocalypse Now!: Based on the novel “Heart of Darkness” by Joseph Conrad. You know why? Cause that would sound ridiculous. But I digress, we’re here to deal with Gabourey Sidibe, so let’s get right to it.
In a world where Gabourey Sidibe didn’t exist to fool everyone into thinking she’s the “next big thing:”
- We wouldn’t have to witness Sidibe’s eventual fall from grace where she will, out of depression, proceed to eat herself into oblivion and…oh wait…
- There wouldn’t be this asinine controversy about whether ELLE magazine used Photoshop to lighten Sidibe’s skin on the recent cover she just posed for. You hear that sound? That’s the sound of me not giving a shit.
- No one would’ve have had to watch proof of Sidibe’s lack of talent when she hosted SNL. Why would you let someone who has done one movie, that also happens to be the heaviest (pun intended) drama of the year, host a sketch comedy show?
- We wouldn’t have been able to see Gabourey’s range as an actress, playing a student in the Showtime series The Big C.
- We all wouldn’t have to feel sad watching your mother try to win America’s Got Talent. That’s your mother girl, don’t make her pander on a sleazy reality show. Introduce her ass to your agent, it’s the least you could do since she brought you into this world.
Gabourey Sidibe may be scoring one for the BBW’s, but frankly she could use a few less Double Cheesburgers from McDonald’s and few more Subway sandwiches. Hey, if it worked for Jared…Either that or start taking better notes from Mo’Nique, because she’s a BBW with range. All I’m saying is that you have to have either talent or beauty otherwise you’re setting a terrible example for those other heffers who think they can be fat and untalented and make it too. Unfortunately, I can’t see Sidibe disappearing anytime soon because she’s under both Oprah and Tyler Perry’s wings, and they will make sure we’re well aware of who she is for many years to come.
But one has to have dreams right?