Species Name: Overthehillius Giganticlipsicus
I’ve never been a big fan of this fish-lipped bastard. I’ve always thought Aerosmith was super overrated, and found it especially creepy that Steven Tyler gave his daughter her big break on a stripper pole in the video for “Crazy.”
Worse than pimping out his little girl has to be Tyler’s recent decision to sign on as a judge on “American Idol.” Come on, man! Seriously, you want Paula Abdul’s sloppy thirds? I mean I get Jennifer Lopez because she’s desperately trying to stay a tad bit more popular than her husband and socially relevant in general, but Steven Tyler, you guys are still selling out stadiums around the world. Aerosmith might not be my cup of tea, but it’s plenty of other people’s entire fucking teapot! I just don’t understand why you would do this. You’re not hurting for money. You don’t have a particularly good voice, although neither did Paula “Vicodin” Abdul. And why now, would you choose to board this sinking ship. It’s clear that “American Idol” is on its way out the door. The Ellen Degeneres experiment failed and everybody loves Ellen, how can you resist a middle aged lesbian talk show host dancing her days away in a pants suit (sarcasm?) I’ve been waiting for this moment Steven Tyler, and you whoring your services out for “American Idol” is the straw that broke the aging rockers back.
In a world where Steven Tyler didn’t exist to be the poor man’s Mick Jagger:
- He wouldn’t be able whore himself out to “True Blood” next as a geriatric former rock star who desperately tries to hold onto his youth by feeding on the blood of the young:
- No one would’ve had to feign surprise when you revealed back in 2006 that you had been suffering from Hepatitis B and C for the last 11 years. A former junkie rock star has Hep?! Get the fuck outta here!
- MTV wouldn’t have played that goddamn “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” single on a constant loop for a year straight…aww, but in retrospect, it was nice thinking back to a time when MTV actually played music.
- We wouldn’t all be left wondering if the song “Dude Looks Like a Lady” is autobiographical:
- Tyler wouldn’t have had to slap his agent for talking him into playing “Father Christmas” in the Lizzie McGuire Movie.
Unfortunately, I feel that Steven is gonna be giving the backhand to his agent again in about a year when he realizes what a colossal mistake being one of the next judge’s on “American Idol” would be. If you want to do a reality show, Steven, go on “Celebrity Rehab” instead because we all know you’re still hitting those pain killers, or else there’s no way you’d be on a world-wide tour right now throwing up leg kicks on a nightly basis. Not to mention that everyone loves a good comeback story and I hear that Dr. Drew will hug you and tell you, “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.”
But one has to have dreams right?