Species Name: Despicacus Attentionwhorius
Reality television is filled with despicable human beings. Hell, it’s an industry built on despicable human beings. But at the top of the pyramid of scummiest reality TV stars has to be former Miss Teen USA and all around bitch, Kari Ann Peniche. For those of you looking at her picture, knowing you recognize her, but not sure from where, give yourself a pat on the back, because you’ve managed to avoid the whiniest, most pathetic, and quite possibly the most bi-polar woman on reality television.
Kari Ann Peniche has had one horrendous pitfall after another since she won Miss Teen USA and then subsequently had the crown stripped away for being a whore. Currently, the things she’s most well known for are her stints on “Sex Rehab” and “Celebrity Rehab” both hosted by the kindest man on the planet, Dr. Drew Pinsky. The other relevant Peniche gossip is that a tape surfaced a few months back of her, Eric Dane (aka some stupid fucking name he had on that stupid fucking show) and Rebecca Gayheart in a loosely quoted, “sex tape.” Before you internet perverts race out to download this tape via your T3 connection, be warned that this tape offers nothing more then a couple topless shots of some people fucked up on ecstasy acting like morons, but I’m sure you internet perverts already knew that because you probably downloaded it, the minute it hit stands.
Back to Peniche. As an avid fan of Dr. Drew’s reality series on VH1 about celebrities looking haggard as they go through rehab, I was stoked for the new season of Celebrity Rehab, until I saw the return of this fucking bitch. It’s so obvious that Kari Ann is strictly on these shows as a publicity stunt with no intent to get help at all, which would be fine, if she wasn’t such a flaming cunt in the process.
In a world where Kari Ann Peniche didn’t exist to drive Dr. Drew closer to using drugs himself:
- We wouldn’t have to fear the inevitable duet album or Kari Ann Peniche and Heidi Montag putting their two dynamic musical talents together on one glorious album. Here’s a taste of Kari Ann’s angelic singing, and yes, that is the actual title of her debut single…what a dipshit:
- Donald Trump wouldn’t have been responsible for Kari Ann Peniche’s fall from grace after stripping her of her Miss Teen USA crown for posing nude in Playboy. Because we all know that being damned by the Donald would send anyone into a downward spiral.
- There would be one less girl who would’ve banged both of the Carter brothers and agreed to marry Aaron Carter after knowing him for 5 days only to have the engagement broken off 6 days later.
- I wouldn’t have a lock in my office Celebrity Death Pool.
- My girlfriend and I wouldn’t hedge our bets on which Celebrity Rehab cast member will punch Kari Ann in the face.
- We wouldn’t be able to see the porn version of her “sex tape” that she will inevitably wind up starring in and will get paid for in methamphetamine.
Kari Ann Peniche is a terrible human being who was once a sweet little girl. She is a living Hollywood cliche and will hopefully fade into obscurity soon enough. Until then, enjoy watching the trainwreck.
But one has to have dreams right?