Species Name: Castraticus Rodentius
When I was wee lad, all I ever dreamed about was, that hopefully one day, I would be fortunate enough to watch the Chipettes sing Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” on a multi-plex screen near me.
Pop quiz hot shot, what part of the above statement was bullshit? If you guessed all of it, then you are one perceptive motherfucker. I hate the Chipette’s along with the Chipmunks, I hate that goddamn Beyonce song, and I definitely never had dreams as a child because my cold, dead soul wouldn’t allow it. However, my cold, dead soul will allow me to tear Alvin and the Chipmunks a new one. I had to take a valium this morning to calm myself down after I saw that Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel made $38 million this weekend. Here I was enjoying my holiday break, relaxing, nothing getting me that riled up, even thinking at one point, hmm maybe I can’t continue “Thinning the Herd” because there isn’t anything that pisses me off anymore. Then these high pitched little fuckers re-entered my life.
I have never liked Alvin and the Chipmunks, not their cartoons, their obnoxious Christmas song, and seeing them make money hand over foot at the box office makes me want to throw my fecal matter at the house of whoever greenlit this piece of shit. That being said, the people most to blame are the parents, dropping $12 a ticket for them and their kids to go see this horrendous piece of a cacadoody. There had to be something else you could’ve taken your kids to see this weekend. Shit, you’d be better off going to see Disney’s throwback to the 2D animation of 1993 in The Princess and the Frog. Anything but these annoying little rodents.
In a world where Richard Gere would’ve put these chipmunks out of their misery long ago:
- Jason Lee might be considered a halfway respectable actor. Oh wait, he did Underdog too…sorry Jason, I tried.
- Dave, the chipmunks adopted father/songwriter, would never have been around to make people wonder why the hell this guy adopted some singing chipmunks. What a freaking weirdo.
- Justin Long, Christina Applegate, Anna Faris and Amy Poehler wouldn’t have pulled the wool over the eyes of the studio executives to cast them as the voice of the chipmunks/chipettes. What the hell does it matter who voices the characters? It’s not like their voices are recognizable once they’ve been chipmunkified.
- We wouldn’t have to endure the inevitable Alvin and the Chipmunks 3 that I’m sure is being greenlit as we speak.
- David Cross would’ve retained his credibility as a damn funny comedian if he hadn’t starred in The Squeakquel.
- We would hopefully never have had to hear of a movie sequel with the subheading, The Squeakquel.
- As a writer myself, I wouldn’t be as offended knowing it took three writers to write the opus that is Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel.
I like a good kids movie as much as the next guy, actually I take that back, I don’t really like kid’s movies, but I do appreciate that we had some great kids movies when I was growing up. Much better than the shit that is being churned out ad nauseum these days, with the exception of the Pixar movies of course. Maybe I’m insane, but I just don’t understand the appeal of high pitched singing chipmunks. Puppies okay, but chipmunks, no way.
But one has to have dreams right?