Species Name: Foiegrasicus Panzicus
Fuck the Ducks. I hate everything this team stands for. And it’s not just because I am a die hard Los Angeles Kings fan. I hate the fact that Disney thought, “hey you know what would be absolutely fantastic? Let’s take the rag tag, pee wee hockey team from our hit movie The Mighty Ducks and turn that into a professional hockey team in the NHL! And you know what else? We don’t even have to change the logo, we can totally keep the same logo the kids used in the movie because professional atheletes will love wearing this logo on their chest:”
This team is a joke. Always has been and always will be. I’m sorry, as much as you try to change your image, you will always be known as the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim in my eyes. Pussies. There will undoubtedly be some Ducks fans out there that will say I’m just bitter because the Ducks won a Stanley Cup before the Kings and to that I say, yeah I am, go fuck yourself. That still doesn’t change the fact that your whole organization is the laughing stock of professional sports. Even your announcers suck. They are such fucking homers, they make me want to strangle a puppy. If my mother called me and told me that Brian Hayward, the Ducks color commentator, was my long lost brother, I would be forced to carry out a murder/suicide, killing Hayward and then myself for the shame of being related to that fuckwad.
In a world where the Anaheim Ducks weren’t around to be the bane of my existence:
- One of my favorite childhood movies, The Mighty Ducks, wouldn’t elicit the Pavlovian response of me punching a baby in the face every time it’s on TV.
- Plenty of other, more deserving sports markets may have gotten a franchise over Anaheim. Somehow I feel like hockey makes more sense in Seattle, Portland, Milwaukee, Hartford, I could go on…but Anaheim, really?
- The Kings would still have George Parros and his sweet mustache.
- Hockey fans wouldn’t have had to endure Chris Pronger’s consistently dirty playing in a Ducks jersey. Prick.
- The one sad thing is that we wouldn’t have been able to see Paul Kariya getting his clock cleaned:
- Everyone would’ve been spared this horrendous jersey…I hope whoever designed this was promptly fired:
- Children wouldn’t have been scarred for life by watching the Ducks mascot, Wild Wing (lame), go up in flames while trying to jump the “Wall of Fire” during the intermission of a game back in 1995:
I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see the Ducks in the cellar of the Western Conference. I’ve had to sit and watch this team of douchebags make the playoffs year after year while the Kings haven’t made the playoffs since 2001-2002. Well I believe the tide is changing my friends, but nevertheless, I still believe that Al Qaeda should target the Honda Center for a terrorist attack, wiping out the entire Ducks organization and their fans. Oh wait, Al Qaeda wouldn’t do that because not enough fans attend Duck games…because nobody in the OC gives two shits about hockey.
But one has to have dreams right?