Species Name: Dementicus Rabidicus
“OMG! Edward Cullen is so hot! The Twilight books are like so amazing! I would do anything to live in that world! Did I mention how hot Edward Cullen is?” If I just induced you to vomitus, my job is done. Oh wait, no it’s not, because my job is to paint a picture of why the world would be better off without these “Twi-hards,” or as they should be know, “Twi-tards.” The tween world is all abuzz with the opening of Twilight: New Moon today in theaters. Teenage girls with their fellow obsessives, will be lining up today, ready to cut someone’s throat if they don’t get in to see the movie based on the second of Stephanie Meyer’s books.
I can get on board with the Trekkies, the Star Wars nerds, and even the Harry Potter dorks, because at least the worlds created in those sagas were imaginative and thought provoking. This Twilight piece of shit on the other hand, is nothing more than an overly melodramatic “Romeo and Juliet” set amidst the world of teenage vampires. Oh! How novel! The fact of the matter is that the world purported in “Twilight” doesn’t have anything going for it besides fairly attractive star crossed lovers. Fuck this franchise!
In a world where the Twi-hards didn’t exist to stay virgins their entire lives:
- The idea of vampires glowing in the daylight would be deemed universally retarded.
- We wouldn’t have to endure the pussification of vampires at the hands of Stephanie Meyers.
- The internet would be significantly faster without the Twi-hards refreshing every “Twilight” fan site every 30 seconds.
- Hot Topic would have to file for Chapter 11 after the hit of no one buying “I Heart Edward Cullen” t-shirts anymore.
- Shakespeare wouldn’t have to come back from the dead and bitch slap Stephanie Meyers for desecrating the sanctity of “Romeo and Juliet” with her unoriginal stories.
- People would realize that if they want to watch vampires and werewolves fight, they should watch the Underworld movies. They’re a lot more fun and you get Kate Beckinsale in black latex.
- No one would have to endure the clip montages of these crappy movies with some shitty song by Evanescence or equally angsty garbage in the background:
- We could move past the vampire fad finally and onto the next fad to take the country by storm…UNICORNS!
Do me a favor? If you’re going to the multiplex this weekend, avoid New Moon like the plague. And while you’re at it, avoid 2012, because god knows, that movie doesn’t deserve another fucking dollar. If everyone in the entire world avoids going to see New Moon, maybe, just maybe, we can avoid the next 28 Twilight films that are already in pre-production. Oh who am I kidding? This movie is probably going to break some box office record for “most misunderstood tweens in a theater at the same time,” in addition to making buttloads of cash. So go, you Twi-hards, stand in line for hours in your one size too big Twilight t-shirts, and have your mental orgasms as you watch your silly little movie. Me? I’d rather go watch Precious, a movie about an inner city black teen who gets impregnated by her father twice and is mercilessly abused by her mother. Yeah, I’d rather watch that depressing piece of shit than New Moon.
But one has to have dreams right?