Species Name: Gratuitous ADDcrappymoviemakerus
Why is it that every time this no talent ass clown farts out a movie, it makes a gazillion dollars? Look, I love going to the cineplex for a good, mindless, action movie with lots of stuff blowing up as much as the next guy. In fact, one of my favorite movie theater experiences of all time was going to see Snakes on a Plane, so you can rest easy knowing I am no movie elitist. That being said, Michael Bay’s movies are so bad, that even the low budget knock offs of his movies are better than the ones he directs (with the exception of his one non-shit movie, The Rock, which is pretty fucking badass). Actually, come to think of it, it’s one of Nicolas Cage’s only non-shit movies as well…and now I have another person to thin from the herd. Tough job but someone has to do it. I digress.
Michael Bay is on the top of my shit list at the moment because his crapfest, Transformers 2, just got released on DVD. Now we can all relive this two and a half hours of life that we will never get back. I’ll be honest, I hated the first Transformers. Terrible acting, even worse directing, and during the battle scenes, I couldn’t tell if the Autobots and Decepitcons were fighting or raping one another. Too much metal on metal loving for me. So fine, that movie sucked, and I accepted that there would be an equally crappy sequel to follow because that’s the way Hollywood works: “You keep making us a lot of money, and we’ll keep making your movies” (i.e. Saw). But fuck me, I don’t think anyone saw the absolute celluloid shit stain that is Tranformers 2 coming. For the crimes against quality film making, Michael Bay, you are sentenced to be thinned from the herd.
In a world where Michael Bay didn’t exist to substitute explosions for a lack of story in movies:
- Filmmakers given the astronomical budget of a Michael Bay movie, would actually be able to churn out a decent film, instead of wasting all that money on gratuitous explosions:
- The men who died at Pearl Harbor would never have had to turn over in their graves when Bay’s disgraceful depiction of the attack was made.
- Sadly, Team America: World Police would never have been made, having no Michael Bay to make fun of.
- Megan Fox would’ve stayed an unknown, struggling actress and eventually turned to porn which, come on, is where we all want to see her end up anyway…
- We’d be spared terrible remakes of fantastic horror films (i.e. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street)
- Slow motion would be used sparingly in films and only when proven to be effective instead of at every, and I mean every, single moment in a Michael Bay movie.
- Music video directors would hopefully realize that some people are destined to only direct music videos, like Bay should’ve done, and Brett Ratner.
- Directors will realize that montages aren’t always awesome, and sometimes, they are downright lazy:
- Never again will a man so obsessed with helicopter shots at sunset exist:
- We would never have been graced with this scene of cinematic brilliance:
I’m a big believer in the idea that some movies are “so bad they’re good,” like the aforementioned Snakes on a Plane and John Rambo. However, Michael Bay’s catalog of work most certainly falls into the category of being “so bad, they make you want to skin yourself alive and jump into a pool of hydrogen peroxide.” If Michael Bay had only chosen to become a pizza delivery boy instead of a craptastic filmmaker, I probably wouldn’t hate him as much, and wish death upon him. Instead, we have Transformers 3 to look forward to…where’s that pool of peroxide?
But one has to have dreams right?