Species Name:  Crazyasshiticus Richbastardius

I cannot for the life of me, figure out why it’s taken me this long to thin these crazies from the herd, but better now than never.  Seriously speaking though, these guys are completely fucking bonkers right?  I mean, I’m not one to be a proponent of organized religion, and think it’s all kind of horseshit to a certain extent, even though I do identify as Jewish.  But Scientologists think they have been reincarnated from past lives lived on other planets in the universe.  I mean these guys make Gary Busey look like the poster boy for sanity.

In my opinion, Scientology is nothing more than a wealthy, elitist cult created by L. Ron Hubbard who laughed all the way to the bank…and his death.  I mean they have a process of cleansing your soul called “auditing.”  Shit man, if I wanted to audit, I would’ve gotten a job working for the I.R.S.  No wait, scratch that, I would’ve killed myself.  I’m kind of curious how they manage to rope these wealthy celebrities into becoming members of the Church.  I would if they stage phony press junkets, and then use the old hypnotic spiral to brainwash them while L. Ron’s voice speaks softly into their ears, making them feel at ease.

However they swindle these morons with more money than they obviously know what to do with, they do, and these “thetans” wind up pouring millions of dollars into this “religion” and worshipping some galactic being known as Xenu.  Xenu?  That sounds like some villain from an episode of “Buck Rogers” or “Flash Gordon.”  Before I dive into how wonderful the world would be without these nutbags, I have to share a little tidbit of the story of Xenu.  Apparently 75 million years ago, Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in a spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes, and then detonated hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes, sending clusters of “thetans” to stick to the bodies of the living.  Whaaaaaaaaaaa?

In a world where Xenu’s spaceship would’ve crashed into Mt. Everest negating the ridiculousness that is Scientology forever:

• Tom Cruise would still be crazy, just maybe not quite as crazy.
• Jenna Elfman would’ve stayed the no talent ass clown that she is and I wouldn’t have had to get that lobotomy to remove the memory of “Dharma and Greg” and “Accidentally on Purpose” from my brain.

• Kirstie Allie would’ve spent more time on the treadmill and less time praying to Xenu while eating boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts.
• Sonny Bono might not have hit that tree.  Damn you Scientology for taking away one of the greatest entertainers of the last century! (Did my sarcasm get conveyed there?)

• Jeff Conaway?  How can that guy be a Scientologist?  He pops pain killers like Tic Tac’s.  He was on “Celebrity Rehab” for Xenu’s sake!  Doesn’t exactly seem like it goes along with the pure living lifestyle purported by Scientology.

• John Travolta would’ve never signed on to do Old Dogs.
• Edgar Winter would’ve been more than a one hit wonder, although “Frankenstein” is a bad ass song.

• Jason Lee would’ve never signed on to do Underdog or Alvin and the Chipmunks, and the forthcoming sequel you pathetic sack of shit.
• Juliette Lewis wouldn’t give off the impression that she could snap and kill someone at any given moment.

• We all would’ve been spared from whatever the hell Battlefield Earth was.  “You know what would be rad?  John Travolta in dreadlocks and green alien eyes!”  Dipshits.

I wish I could give these people the benefit of the doubt but I can’t, they’re idiots.  How about instead of standing around some volcanoes…you guys just jump inside.  Thanks.

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name:  Sotwoyearsagoicus Nobodycaresius

This is probably a moot point for most people because you either don’t check your myspace account anymore or you cancelled it altogether.  Either way, let me offer up this analogy to you.  Myspace is basically like that guy/girl you hooked up with.  At first it was great.  It was fun, new uncharted territory. Everyday was a new surprise, and anything seemed possible.  Then as time rolled on, things became complicated, nothing  worked like it was supposed to, and instead of just allowing you to make a clean break, it continues to exist, hoping that you will one day remember the good times you once had.

Or if that analogy doesn’t work for you, you can think of MySpace as the BMX pro Bart  Taylor from the movie RAD. Bart was on top of the world, unstoppable in the world of BMX riding.  That was until a nobody named Cru Jones came along and beat Bart at his own game.  Cru “Facebook” Jones manages to swoop in, defeating Bart “Myspace” on the biggest stage possible, “Helltrack,” leaving Bart “Myspace” Taylor in his dust.  Ah fuck it, enough with the analogies, MySpace has become a convoluted mess and I consider this to be a mercy killing.  Sorry Tom (remember him?), but time for you to die.

In a world where MySpace didn’t exist to become the sad, pathetic shit that it is:

• You wouldn’t have had to wait ten minutes while your computer figured out how to load some people’s MySpace pages due to the thousand different applications running on them at the same time.

• You also would’ve been spared from the Clockwork Orange-ian “Ludovico Technique” when said MySpace profile did finally load, causing a sensory overload in your brain.
• You would’ve never gotten your hopes up when you received that friend request from that hot girl who wanted you to check her out on her webcam.  “Wow!  She must really like me if she only has a couple of friends and she friend requested me!  Awesome!”
• Nobody would’ve had to witness MySpace’s pathetic attempts to be just like Facebook (Seriously, go look at MySpace right now…it’s sad)
• Rupert Murdoch would’ve never bought MySpace and it might have redeemed some credibility.
• MySpace wouldn’t have tried to capitalize on YouTube’s popularity by creating MySpace TV.  (I think the creation of the MySpace site itself was the only original thought Tom ever had)
• People wouldn’t be left asking themselves the question, “If MySpace dies in cyberspace and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”

• No one would’ve ever heard of Tila Tequila’s gonorrhea ridden ass.

Oh MySpace, it was good while it lasted, but I think it’s time to hit the road.  Pack up your things into your brindle and look for greener pastures because no matter what kind of rebranding you try to do, it won’t work, nobody cares.  Don’t feel too bad, you had a good run, and if it makes you feel better, Facebook will meet it’s demise at some point too, it’s inevitable.  Just please, stop being such a buzz kill and die already.  Your site is more depressing than the recession.

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name: Slutticus Shallowius

This is the true story of seven guidos and guidettes, picked to share their venereal diseases in a house together at the Jersey Shore and unfortunately have their skanky escapades taped, to find out what happens when these douchebags stop being whores that no one cared about and start getting a TV show on MTV that people won’t be able to avert their eyes from, like a bad car wreck.”

It only took one episode of the monstrosity that is “Jersey Shore,” to realize that the Jersey Shore should be nuked from existence.  For those of you who haven’t gotten a chance to see MTV’s newest groundbreaking docu-series, I’ll give you the recipe for the show:

1 gigantic bucket of hair gel

2 parts noticeable fake tan

A buttload of obnoxious N.J. accents

A generous helping of fist pumping to House music

A tub of protein powder

Topped off with a name for your abs or tits

You combine all of these ingredients and you have just created: “The Even Trashier Real World”  Who ever thought that would be possible? Now I’ll admit to the fact that “The Real World” has always been a guilty pleasure of mine.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that it is the original reality show, or maybe that it first premiered back when I was 12 years old and has somewhat of a nostalgic feeling for me.  Whatever it is, I can’t explain it, and I’m definitely not proud of it, but for fucks sake, these “Jersey Shore” retards make the “The Real World”ers look like card carrying members of MENSA.

Cause I know you all are dying to meet everybody’s favorite guido/guidettes…so here ya go:

In a world where “Jersey Shore” didn’t exist to remind us just how shockingly sick some people in this country are:

• The country of Italy wouldn’t have to issue a press release stating that they take offense to these guidos/guidettes referring to themselves as Italian Americans.  Actually, all Italian’s, everywhere, are ashamed of these jackasses.
• “Jersey Shore” wouldn’t have been able to set a record for the most uses of the word “bro” and Affliction shirts worn in the same hour of television.
• We, as normal, functioning members of society, would have no douchebag litmus test to compare ourselves to.
• These seven roomates wouldn’t have the footage from their time on “Jersey Shore” to show their children to explain why they were born with herpes.
• DVD sales of “The Sopranos” would plummet.
• MTV would find some other group of young, naive, dumb kids to exploit for their own financial gain.  Oh you guidos…why are you so desperate for attention?
• All of America would’ve been jipped out of their opportunity to see the oblivious trainwreck that is “Snooki.”  There ya go Snooki, way to make ya mother proud.
• There would be four less future goomah’s and four less future mechanic’s in the world.

“Douchebag Shore” may be the greatest show ever created…but it’s not.  Instead it’s a display of the dregs of society and I promise you that after watching one episode you will feel compelled to read “War and Peace” to try and recoup the brain cells you just dissolved by watching this crap.  I yearn for the days when MTV used to have quality programming like “Undressed” and “Beavis and Butthead.”  That’s right, “Beavis and Butthead” is more intellectually stimulating than “Jersey Shore.”  But I guess I just have to suck it up, because like the shitfests before it, “The Hills,” “My Super Sweet 16,” and “True Life: I’m Addicted to Porn,”  “Jersey Shore” is on its way to developing a huge following and I’m sure the paparazzi will be following them around in no time.  Kill me.

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name: Foiegrasicus Panzicus

Fuck the Ducks.  I hate everything this team stands for.  And it’s not just because I am a die hard Los Angeles Kings fan.  I hate the fact that Disney thought, “hey you know what would be absolutely fantastic?  Let’s take the rag tag, pee wee hockey team from our hit movie The Mighty Ducks and turn that into a professional hockey team in the NHL!  And you know what else?  We don’t even have to change the logo, we can totally keep the same logo the kids used in the movie because professional atheletes will love wearing this logo on their chest:”

This team is a joke.  Always has been and always will be.   I’m sorry, as much as you try to change your image, you will always be known as the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim in my eyes.  Pussies.  There will undoubtedly be some Ducks fans out there that will say I’m just bitter because the Ducks won a Stanley Cup before the Kings and to that I say, yeah I am, go fuck yourself.  That still doesn’t change the fact that your whole organization is the laughing stock of professional sports.  Even your announcers suck.  They are such fucking homers, they make me want to strangle a puppy.  If my mother called me and told me that Brian Hayward, the Ducks color commentator, was my long lost brother, I would be forced to carry out a murder/suicide, killing Hayward and then myself for the shame of being related to that fuckwad.

In a world where the Anaheim Ducks weren’t around to be the bane of my existence:

• One of my favorite childhood movies, The Mighty Ducks, wouldn’t elicit the Pavlovian response of me punching a baby in the face every time it’s on TV.
• Plenty of other, more deserving sports markets may have gotten a franchise over Anaheim.  Somehow I feel like hockey makes more sense in Seattle, Portland, Milwaukee, Hartford, I could go on…but Anaheim, really?
• The Kings would still have George Parros and his sweet mustache.

• Hockey fans wouldn’t have had to endure Chris Pronger’s consistently dirty playing in a Ducks jersey.  Prick.

Chris Pronger...the Johnny Lawrence of the NHL.

• The one sad thing is that we wouldn’t have been able to see Paul Kariya getting his clock cleaned:

• Everyone would’ve been spared this horrendous jersey…I hope whoever designed this was promptly fired:

• Children wouldn’t have been scarred for life by watching the Ducks mascot, Wild Wing (lame), go up in flames while trying to jump the “Wall of Fire” during the intermission of a game back in 1995:

I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see the Ducks in the cellar of the Western Conference.  I’ve had to sit and watch this team of douchebags make the playoffs year after year while the Kings haven’t made the playoffs since 2001-2002.  Well I believe the tide is changing my friends, but nevertheless, I still believe that Al Qaeda should target the Honda Center for a terrorist attack, wiping out the entire Ducks organization and their fans.  Oh wait, Al Qaeda wouldn’t do that because not enough fans attend Duck games…because nobody in the OC gives two shits about hockey.

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name: Bottomfeedicus Soullessius

This is a group of people I’ve been wanting to thin from the herd from a while. When I started this blog back in September, Reality TV Whores were one of the first group of shitsticks that popped into my head. All I was waiting for was a topical reason to tear them a new one. Then through possible divine intervention, the above blonde dingleberry and her dingleberry husband came into my life.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi, better known as the “White House Party Crashers,” managed to get past the Secret Service into the White House state dinner last Tuesday night. I know that I should be concerned that these two mysterious people managed to shake hands with the President and could’ve been Russian assassins for all anyone knows (I’ve seen a few Bond movies in my day), but the part that really chaps my ass is not the threat to national security these clowns posed, but that they did it as a publicity stunt to try to get casted on “The Real Housewives of Washington D.C.”

A reality show?! A fucking reality show?! Seriously?! Well it’s official, the country is ruined. There’s no righting this ship people. When nobody’s are sneaking into Presidential dinners, not so they can meet the leader of the free world, but with the ulterior motive to help land them on a reality show, we might as well just give up and move to Antarctica, where one can be free of these low life colostomy bags. A reality TV show! The bottom feeders of the entertainment world where you can be on TV without having any discernible talent, or being remotely interesting. Please excuse me while I light myself on fire.

I’m so sick of these reality TV whores stooping to unthinkable lows to appear on a cable show that no one will give two flying fucks about once it goes off the air. You pathetic sacks of shit are so concerned with getting your 15 minutes of fame, you will do whatever it takes, and that is sad…really, really, really sad. This is long overdue for you losers.

In a world where our IQ’s didn’t plummet from the Reality TV Whores plaguing our televisions:

• Bret Michaels wouldn’t ever be able to fall in love again. Oh wait, yeah he could, he could go out on dates like normal people, and spare himself a gonorrhea outbreak or two.

• No one would care if you think you could dance or not.
• That prepubescent fucktard on “Million Dollar Listing,” would continue being obnoxious, just not for all of America to see.

• Joel McHale would only have soap operas to make fun of on “The Soup”….RICK!!!!!!!!

• The names Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt would’ve never been uttered on television. Surely that would be heaven on Earth.
• Tyra Banks would’ve just retired off her millions from modeling instead of feeling the need to tell everyone about her fat ass or dress up in a fat suit on daytime TV. Groundbreaking Tyra, where’s that Peabody Award you so deserve?

• Anyone involved with the show, “Toddlers and Tiara’s,” would be arrested for prostituting those poor girls.

The parents of the spoiled little bitches on “My Super Sweet 16,” would secretly live in shame of their children walking all over them instead of having it on display for the whole world to see.
MTV and VH1 would go back to actually showing music videos again.

We’d all be better off if we didn’t have to endure the nonsensical babbling that comes out of these Reality TV Whores mouths. After all, we have enough problems to deal with in our own lives without having to worry about how to keep up with the Kardashians. You’re brain is begging you to turn that shit off, trust me. The truth of the matter is that reality TV is not going anywhere anytime soon, and we even get to look forward to an Octomom reality show, cause we haven’t heard enough about her yet. I can just about guarantee that trainwreck will get it’s own “Thinning the Herd.”

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name: Dementicus Rabidicus

“OMG!  Edward Cullen is so hot!  The Twilight books are like so amazing!  I would do anything to live in that world!  Did I mention how hot Edward Cullen is?”  If I just induced you to vomitus, my job is done.  Oh wait, no it’s not, because my job is to paint a picture of why the world would be better off without these “Twi-hards,” or as they should be know, “Twi-tards.”  The tween world is all abuzz with the opening of Twilight: New Moon today in theaters.  Teenage girls with their fellow obsessives, will be lining up today, ready to cut someone’s throat if they don’t get in to see the movie based on the second of Stephanie Meyer’s books.

I can get on board with the Trekkies, the Star Wars nerds, and even the Harry Potter dorks, because at least the worlds created in those sagas were imaginative and thought provoking.  This Twilight piece of shit on the other hand, is nothing more than an overly melodramatic “Romeo and Juliet” set amidst the world of teenage vampires.  Oh!  How novel!  The fact of the matter is that the world purported in “Twilight” doesn’t have anything going for it besides fairly attractive star crossed lovers.  Fuck this franchise!

In a world where the Twi-hards didn’t exist to stay virgins their entire lives:

The idea of vampires glowing in the daylight would be deemed universally retarded.
We wouldn’t have to endure the pussification of vampires at the hands of Stephanie Meyers.
The internet would be significantly faster without the Twi-hards refreshing every “Twilight” fan site every 30 seconds.
Hot Topic would have to file for Chapter 11 after the hit of no one buying “I Heart Edward Cullen” t-shirts anymore.
Shakespeare wouldn’t have to come back from the dead and bitch slap Stephanie Meyers for desecrating the sanctity of “Romeo and Juliet” with her unoriginal stories.
People would realize that if they want to watch vampires and werewolves fight, they should watch the Underworld movies.  They’re a lot more fun and you get Kate Beckinsale in black latex.
• No one would have to endure the clip montages of these crappy movies with some shitty song by Evanescence or equally angsty garbage in the background:

• We could move past the vampire fad finally and onto the next fad to take the country by storm…UNICORNS!

Do me a favor?  If you’re going to the multiplex this weekend, avoid New Moon like the plague.  And while you’re at it, avoid 2012, because god knows, that movie doesn’t deserve another fucking dollar.  If everyone in the entire world avoids going to see New Moon, maybe, just maybe, we can avoid the next 28 Twilight films that are already in pre-production.  Oh who am I kidding?  This movie is probably going to break some box office record for “most misunderstood tweens in a theater at the same time,” in addition to making buttloads of cash.  So go, you Twi-hards, stand in line for hours in your one size too big Twilight t-shirts, and have your mental orgasms as you watch your silly little movie.  Me?  I’d rather go watch Precious, a movie about an inner city black teen who gets impregnated by her father twice and is mercilessly abused by her mother.  Yeah, I’d rather watch that depressing piece of shit than New Moon.

But one has to have dreams right?

Some of those women are waaaaaaay too old to be there...for shame!

Species Name:  Humorlessius Crappyhosticus

Would someone please cut the brake lines in all of Jay Leno’s 700 cars so that he will fly into the Pacific Ocean after losing control on a hairpin turn going down PCH?  I’m looking out for all of us people.  No Jay Leno means no Jay Leno cracking painfully unfunny jokes on your televisions five days a week.  Now, I’m not going to lie, as an aspiring TV writer, I have a bit of a bias here.  Jay Leno’s new show, which is remarkably just like the Tonight Show except it’s now on at 10pm instead of 11:30, has knocked five hours of scripted programming off of NBC’s slate.

Okay, sure, Jay Leno does have writers on his show (not that they’re doing a very good job mind you), but he still doesn’t have the amount of writers that five separate shows would be employing.  And referring back to bias, the writers on Jay Leno’s show are variety show writers, most likely stand up comedians, and a very different breed from narrative writers.

What I’m saying is, Jay, why the fuck couldn’t you just stay retired?  You don’t need to ever work another day in your life, you had a good run, why couldn’t you just have gone quietly into the night?  But no, NBC offers you a buttload of money, and you and your gargantuan chin march right back to doing the same stupid schtick you were doing for the last twenty years.

In a world where Jay Leno had “Jay-walked” himself off a cliff:

• Letterman would’ve gotten his just due by winning the ratings that he deserved by being a far superior late night host.
• Johnny Carson would still be alive. (That’s right folks, Carson died because he couldn’t take watching Leno shame the reputation of “The Tonight Show” any longer.)
• We would’ve been able to enjoy Conan at 11:30pm many years earlier.
• Your grandparents would be very sad and confused, not knowing what to watch on late night television (that’s if they stay up past Jeopardy.)
• Men all over the country would be able to enjoy their Sunday night football game without the incessant on-screen promo’s for Jay Leno’s piece of shit show.
• The NBC executives wouldn’t be able to swim laps in their Scrooge McDuck style vault from the money they are saving by having Jay fill that 10pm timeslot.
• A plethora of other, much funnier, stand up comedians could’ve been given the chance that Jay was given.
• Jay Leno’s fanbase would have to go back to watching reruns of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and “Mr. Ed” on TV Land.

Jay Leno sucks.  Always has, and always will.  The fact that he kills in the ratings is utterly mindboggling to me.  I was so happy when I heard that he would be leaving “The Tonight Show,” but was equally crushed when they announced that he would be getting his new show, “The Tonight Show Redux.”  I hate this show so much, that when the intro to Jay Leno’s show manages to sneak it’s way onto the end of the episode of 30 Rock I recorded on my DVR, I want to punch a hole in my wall!  Motherfucker!  This guy is like a fucking cockroach, and all I want is to never see him ever again…is that so much to ask?  Alas, I have a sneaking suspicion that by 2012, the real end of humanity will not be the Earth’s core crumbling and swallowing us into the center of the Earth, but rather, NBC will be renamed the Jay Leno network, and will air nothing but Jay Leno, 24 hours a fucking day!  Kill me now.

But one has to have dreams right?

Seriously...is Balloon Boy in there?

So much for making it through life without seeing Jay Leno straddle anything in a Canadian tuxedo.

Species Name:  Frivolousius Overpaidicus

For those who don’t know, Nicolas Cage is in dire financial trouble.  Cage owes over $6.2 million to the IRS in back taxes.  And go figure, he’s using his Jewish financial manager as the scapegoat for his money woes.  When in doubt, blame the Jews, eh Nic?  Maybe if you weren’t so busy buying castles and dinosaur fossils, you wouldn’t be in this fucking mess you no talent cheese dick.  This piece of shit has been making an estimated $20 million a movie for the last decade to use crappy accents, over-the-top hand gestures, and be one of the Razzies top punching bags during that time period.  I want to know who looked at this guy’s ugly mug and said, “We’re going to make this guy a fucking action star!”:

Nicolas, you dumb bastard, you had everything handed to you on a silver platter, being Coppola’s nephew, getting cast in parts you were definitely not qualified to play and getting handsomely compensated for it.  But no, you had to spend your money like a goddamn fool, and  try to pull a fast one on the IRS, thinking they wouldn’t notice?  This isn’t your financial managers fault you turd burglar, it’s your own damn fault, and I’m sick and tired of your face appearing in every single fucking big budget blockbuster.  I would love to imagine a world where Nicolas Cage didn’t exist to chew the fuck out of the scenery in every one of his movies.

These clips should speak volumes about why Nicolas Cage should be thinned from the herd for not only being unable to manage his millions properly but for causing egregious crimes against actual acting:

  – Sorry Nic, not even your mullet can’t save you in what would have been a tolerant movie had you not been in it.

– Even Nic can’t stand to watch himself act in The Wicker Man.

– Nic, you don’t have to overact to be creepy like you do here in Deadfall, you’re plenty creepy normally.

– I need to find someone to punch in the face right now after watching that montage of absolute fucking shit.

– Even that terrible CGI isn’t as bad as Nic’s performance in NEXT.

– Hearing Cage talk about his role in Bangkok Dangerous makes me a little sad, because clearly he is oblivious to just how terrible he is in that movie.

– Can I throw an anvil at you?

Hopefully this shitastic array of Nicolas Cage’s “art” will have convinced you that this jerkoff deserves to be broke.  If that doesn’t convince you, maybe the fact that he owns over a dozen houses, two islands, a dinosaur skull that he paid $276,000 for, at least 50 cars and a collection of, and I shit you not, shrunken heads!  Fucking A man, have some goddamn self control would ya?  This guy has squandered away his golden opportunity and deserves exactly what is coming to him.  Unfortunately, A-List Hollywood actors rarely have to face the music for their crimes, so expect to see Ghost Rider 2, coming to a theater near you sometime soon, and if we’re lucky, maybe this dipshit could win another Oscar.

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name: Traitorius Sickfuckicus

You might recognize this fuckface as the guy who went postal at Fort Hood last week, killing 13 people and wounding 30 more.  Notice that I have not included Hasan’s title as Army Major or doctor, because this traitorous prick is not worthy of either.  I was deeply disturbed when this news story broke last week and now find myself conflicted about how this asshole should be thinned from the herd.  I am glad he didn’t take the cowardly way out and shoot himself after he killed all those soldiers, but now what do we do with this piece of diarrhea?  On the one hand, I would like to see Hasan spend the rest of his life in prison being endlessly butt-raped for the Benedict Arnold that he is.  On the other hand, I would also like to see him get the death penalty, but not that peaceful lethal injection shit.  I say we bring back the electric chair for this cock gobbler.  You know what?  Better yet, lets let Hasan rot in process for about ten years so that his butthole has had plenty of time to get properly stretched out by his massive black cell mate named Tiny, and then lets air his execution on live television.  It could be a combination of giving him a new papercut every ten minutes while he’s being pelted with a sock full of quarters.  That way he would really suffer.

I could be bitter that it’s Veteran’s Day and that I don’t get the day off of work, but I instead decided to be productive with my day, and honor our men and women who have served in the Armed Forces by ridding the world of this shitstain of a human being.

In a world where Nidal M. Hassan never existed to become the crazy fuck he is today:

Thirty soldiers would still be alive to proudly serve their country and keep us safe.
Our military would hopefully have stronger background checks and psychiatric evaluations to sniff out these looney bastards.
Red flags would be raised when a soldier of the U.S. Army is having contact with member of Al Qaeda as Hasan was.
President Obama would have one less thing to worry about.
• Soldiers would still be able to trust one another and not have to worry about any fellow soldiers snapping at any given time.
We wouldn’t be able to make an example of him to Al Qaeda as Hasan is torn limb from limb for what he’s done (or at least I hope so)

Anyone who has read this blog knows that I am pretty liberal.  I am all for pulling the troops from Iraq and Afghanistan in a logical fashion and think we have plenty of shit to focus on within our own borders without going out and starting wars with other countries around the world.  That being said, I also support our troops enormously and respect them for doing a job that most people are too scared to attempt.  Worrying about getting blown up by an RPG or a roadside bomb is stressful enough, these guys shouldn’t have to worry about fellow soldiers they eat next to in the mess hall on their own soil.  I hope this fuck gets what’s coming to him.  Listen up Hasan, those 72 virgins that you plan on deflowering once you get to heaven…they’re chicks with dicks…have fun.

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name:  Shamelessicus Selfservius

Since Michael Jackson’s death back in June, many tears have been shed for the fallen “King of Pop.”  Unfortunately, instead of tears, the eyes of Michael’s brother’s and father have been filled with dollar signs as of late.  After the family finally buried Michael, more than two months after his death, the remaining members of the Jackson 5 and the slap happy patriarch wasted little time cashing in on the death of their brother.  Not only is a reunion tour in the works, as a “tribute” to Michael, but a documentary series about the family is set to premiere on A&E in December.  Is nothing sacred?  Even in death, this dysfunctional excuse for a family continues to mooch off their vastly superior brothers career.  I especially love that Joe Jackson, the proud papa emerges out of obscurity immediately after his son dies to appear on every single talk show and instead of talking about how much he loved his son Michael, he proceeds to use the opportunities for plugs for his record label.

Wow.  If anyone has any doubts why this scumbag was left out of his sons will, those doubts should be put to rest after watching that video.  The saddest part of Michael’s death may be the fact that he was surrounded by leeches that wanted to steal his money at every chance they got.  Michael Jackson was one of, if not the greatest performers the world will ever see and it’s simply horrifying that the other Jackson brothers and Joe are too concerned with their own self-serving agendas to realize that.  Logically speaking, to imagine a world where Michael’s father didn’t exist would mean that Michael would never have existed either.  However I’m confident that whoever’s sperm Michael would’ve been conceived from, he would’ve still managed to go on to take the world by storm.

In a world where Joe Jackson and the remaining Jackson 4 didn’t exist to ride their brothers coat tails:

• Michael Jackson wouldn’t have grown up to be an 8 year old in a 49 year old’s body having not experienced the rampant abuse by his father throughout his childhood.
• You’d think we’d be without such great songs as “I Want You Back” and “I’ll be there,” but little Michael would’ve been paired with some other black guys because let’s face it, Michael is what made those songs great.  The other brothers are definitely interchangeable.
• Micheal would never have potentially diddled those boys also if he hadn’t experienced the damaging abuse by his father throughout his childhood.
• Jermaine would never have been able to launch his explosive solo career…wait he had a solo career?
• Sadly, this album cover would never have come to fruition.

The Jackson 4 + Joe wouldn’t be able to capitalize on anything their brother was a part of, including the recent popularity of “This Is It,” which they recorded background vocals for because they wouldn’t miss an opportunity to mooch off their brother’s success.
• Michael wouldn’t have to turn over in his grave when Joe Jackson eventually whores out Michael’s children by marketing them as the Prince and Princess of Pop.

Like Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur before him, I think it’s safe to say that Michael Jackson will probably go on to make more money dead than he did alive.  I pray to god that the only person who gets a crack at any of that money is those children and Michael’s mother, Katherine, in order to properly raise those children as Michael would’ve wanted.  I fear that Joe Jackson is going to try his greedy claws on that money at every chance he can.  Hell, he’s already in a court battle to try and gain some portion of Michael’s estate for “living expenses.”  What a douche.  And please, Jackson brothers, don’t go on that reunion tour. I hate to shatter your guys’ world, but nobody gives a flying fuck about you without MJ.

But one has to have dreams right?

Gimme your money or I will beat your corpse Michael!