Species Name:  Shutthefuckupicus Onenotecomicus

Would someone please stop telling this guy that he’s funny?  “Hey Frank, do that John Madden impression again, it’s hilarious!”  Stop it!  Stop it!  Stop it!  It’s bad enough I need to watch this guy every week during the FOX NFL Pre-game show, but if people keep stroking this guy, telling him he’s funny, he’s eventually going to get his own show.  [Listens to earpiece] “What’s that?  He had his own show?  How is that possible?  What station was it on?  Oh, TBS, oh that’s okay, nobody watches that station anyway.”  Seriously Frank, your show got canceled, take the hint and fucking go away.  For those of you not privy to the genius that is Frank Caliendo, exhibit A:

Now don’t get me wrong.  Doing impressions can be funny…for about 35 seconds.  The problem with comedians doing impressions is that once the initial novelty of going, “hey that guy does a pretty good De Niro” wears off, you’re bored.  That is Frank’s problem.  He’ll do a 4-5 minute sketch doing the same impression the entire time.  If the writing isn’t good at that point, your spot on impersonation is just simply frivolous.  And trust me, Frank’s impressions have always been compensating for a lack of funny writing.  Comedy is fucking hard, but when it’s good, it’s incredible, and when it’s not, it’s Frank Caliendo.

In a world where Frank Caliendo choked while eating some buffalo wings:

• We wouldn’t have to listen to Terry Bradshaw’s hyena laugh in regards to Frank’s hilarious brand of comedy.  If Terry Bradshaw is cracking up at your jokes, you’re doing something wrong, that guy doesn’t even know where he is half of the time.
• Nobody gives two flying fucks about your “cold hard picks” to begin with so nothing would change there.  The only one I want making picks are guys who actually played/coached football, not someone who looks like a football.
• MAD TV would’ve still sucked.
• There would be one less asshole doing a George Bush impression.  We get it, he sounds like a moron when he talks.

• Comedians who do impressions would be relegated to only be on radio.  There’s something jarring watching a fat guy do Jim Rome.  A good impression, I just don’t want to watch him do it, I only want to hear him do it for 35 seconds on the radio:

All I can say is, thank god the Super Bowl is on CBS this year so when we’re all three sheets to the wind on PBR and processed cheese, cause this is ‘merica, we wouldn’t be forced to smash our TV’s when Frank Caliendo’s bulbous face appeared on it to ruin our drunken football watching experience.  Everyone enjoy the Super Bowl, and I’m sure someone will do something really retarded during the game which will give me a fresh topic to bitch and moan about on Monday.

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name: Exploiticus Greedicus

The term “evil empire” was originally used by Ronald Reagan during the Cold War in reference to the Soviet Union and their unrelenting arms race.  Well that was the 1980’s and times have changed a bit.  The new evil empire is not the Taliban, it’s not the GOP, it’s not Goldman-Sachs (although…fuck those guys), no the true evil empire of the 21st century is none other than Ticketmaster.

You know that warm feeling you get inside of you when your favorite band/comedian/sports team is coming to your city?  Hooray!  I finally get to see them in person!  This is going to be amazing.  You log on to Ticketmaster to purchase your ticket.  Wow, $60 to see the Barenaked Ladies?!  Oh well…it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.  You hit purchase, then here’s where the real fun starts.  In addition to your ticket cost and tax, you get hit with a “service charge.”  Fine, whatever, Ticketmaster is the middle man, so they get the right to charge a service charge, although for a service charge, it would be nice to actually get serviced…you know what I’m sayin’ (winks).  That has to be it though right?  Nope.  Next they hit you with a “Facility Charge?”  Wait…what?  Shouldn’t that be included in the price of the ticket?  I don’t get it.  Oh well, I just have to keep telling myself…it’s the Barenaked Ladies we’re talking about here.  Fuck me! A “Processing Charge?”  I just paid a service charge and now I have to pay a processing charge.  What the hell is the difference?!  Now I’m really starting to Hulk out.  But man oh man, the icing on this cake of shit, is the most insulting one of all, the “Convenience Charge.”  Listen assholes, any extra charge I have to pay is anything but convenient.  Get your head out of your asses!

When all is said and done, your $60 Barenaked Ladies ticket is now $90.  That’s right, $30 in service fees.  This really chaps my ass, and the worst part is, there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it since these douchebags have a monopoly on the ticketing world.  Well there is one thing we can do, cathartically imagine a world where these tyrants of transaction charges didn’t exist.

In a world where Ticketmaster didn’t exist to ruin everyone’s fun in life:

• Bands like Pearl Jam wouldn’t have to invest so much time in taking down these monsters and could instead focus on rocking our faces off.

• Live Nation would have to go too.  Beware!  They merged with Ticketmaster, feeding the evil empire machine that much more.
• You wouldn’t have to sell one of your kidneys to try to go to a music festival like Coachella:

• You wouldn’t feel it necessary to take a rape shower after seeing the above tickets skyrocket from $80 in service charges!  It’s a piece of paper!  That’s all you’re doing is printing out a goddamn piece of paper!!!
• I wouldn’t turn to fits of rage when that timer tells me I have 3 minutes to purchase my tickets.  I had to blow a tranny in a dumpster to be able to pay for these goddamn tickets, would you please calm the fuck down with the ticking clock?  Christ!
• You wouldn’t need a PhD to decipher those encrypted word boxes, you know what I’m talking about:

Seriously?  What the fuck does that even say?  Would it kill you guys to put that shit in English at least.  I know it’s for security purposes here, but what’s the deal?  Are you afraid that these are the codes that could possibly cause Cyberdyne to go online and bring about Judgment Day?  The unfortunate thing about Ticketmaster is that they are Cyberdyne, they’re the machine.  Once they’ve drained us of all our money, they are going to send T-1000’s to kill us all.  Where’s John Connor when we need him?

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name: Disgusticus Subhumaneous

Yes.  The whole fucking institution.  I know it hurts to hear.  You have such fond memories of going to the circus as a child with your family, and you had always been looking forward to taking your own children one day.  Well, now I’m telling you to think twice before taking your kids to the big top of lies!  Here’s just a taste of what goes on behind the scenes at the major circus companies around the country:

Now I know that video is a few years old and you may even think this disgusting mistreatment of these Asian elephants has been rectified, but trust me it hasn’t.  The same tortuous practices are still going on as you can see here.

This makes me so fucking angry, I wish I could go down to Ringling Bros. and castrate every one of these fucking sadists and then feed their castrated nuts to the elephants, while the eunuch’s are forced to watch.  It’s absolutely horrendous that these people have such blatant disregard for the well-being of these animals and think they can abuse these animals into doing whatever they want.  They’re wild fucking animals!  They’re meant to be out in the wild, not inside a cage getting bullhooks thrust into their flesh, all for the sake of entertaining an 8 year old who gets entertained by eating his own boogers anyway.

The circus is the scum of the Earth and it’s time for them to go.

In a world where the circus didn’t exist to be PETA’S public enemy #1:

• People wouldn’t be so fucking shocked when one of these elephants goes nuts and tramples one of their trainers.  You would too if you were being tortured on a daily basis.
• Maybe humans would regard these animals for the majestic creatures they are instead of figuring out a way to utilize them for their own entertainment.
• These animals wouldn’t have to fantasize about a world where it’s the humans in cages and shackles, being poked and prodded constantly.  That’s right, I can read those animals’ brains.  I’m an Elephant Whisperer.
• Our children would be taught that it’s not natural for an elephant to do stunts like these, and that they’re not willing performers:

• And that this is what they go through in order to do these stunts out of sheer fear:

Capital punishment would be instituted for anyone who did this to animals.
The revenues for Cirque du Soleil would go through the roof because they wouldn’t have to worry about losing out on business that goes to circuses that use and abuse animals.
• Parents who insist on having animals serve as entertainment for their kids will be dropped into the middle of a stampede of elephants in the Serengeti.  See if you don’t change your tune after that, well, if you don’t get trampled first.

Going back to the fact that so many people get up in arms about an elephant trampling and killing one of their trainers.  What people don’t understand is that every living being has it’s breaking point, and plenty of people snap for way less than these circus animals.  I don’t blame these animals one goddamn bit.  That’s what you fucking get trying to train a wild animal by beating the shit out of it.  I know that I usually use this forum to rant about nonsense, but this topic is really important to me and I hope that it hits a nerve with some of you as well.  Please sign this petition and make this cruelty to stop.

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name:  Disregardius Reprehensibus

Few experiences rival that of going to the movies.  Getting to see a film you’ve eagerly been anticipating the release of for weeks.  Getting to watch it on a 50ft screen, in THX sound, allowing yourself to get totally immersed in the cinematic wonderland.  That is until some asshole comes and sits right next to you with the morbidly obese tub of popcorn and proceeds to chomp their way, mouth open, through the entire movie.  I know I complain about a lot of shit, but I know for a fact that I’m not alone on this one.  The worst part too, is that this phenomenon tends to happen in a virtually empty theater.  I don’t know if I give off some pheromone that draws obnoxious people near me only to annoy the piss out of me and completely ruin my theatrical experience.

And if only it stopped with eating popcorn, but alas, the list goes on in regards to the homicide inducing annoyances people commit in a movie theater, from cellphone obsessions, to blatant talking, leaving me no choice but to hurry up and get rich so I can build that personal theater in my house already.

Now that's the way to watch a movie...dressed to go to a wedding.

In a world where these fucktards weren’t under the impression that they were in their living room watching a movie:

Generic picture of a woman on her cell phone in a theater? Yeah, we got that B-Roll.

• Theaters wouldn’t have the need for fourteen messages about turning off your goddamn cell phone.  Inevitably though some moron’s phone is still bound to go off and cause a disturbance.  Seriously, you’re not that important, unless your grandma is dying, turn off the phone asshole.
• Rational people would understand that a movie like Schindler’s List isn’t meant to be prime make-out material.  Get a room.  No wait, just die.
• We wouldn’t have to deal with the prick who thinks it’s socially acceptable to bring Indian food into the theater to eat.  If you want to smell like curry, that’s your deal, that doesn’t mean everyone else does though pal.
• I wouldn’t be forced to make up the excuse of how I have explosive Irritable Bowel Syndrome as a way to dissuade these bottom-feeders from sitting next to me.
• The fat guy with the gigantic tub of popcorn wouldn’t exist and therefore wouldn’t get the refill on his popcorn and bring himself that much closer to a massive coronary.
• People would realize that to some people, the trailers are still part of the movie-going experience, so shut the fuck up!

I wouldn’t risk my blood pressure rising to unhealthy levels when the old man brings a whole bag of Werther’s Originals and proceeds to unwrap that noisy ass plastic that surrounds them.
• There would be no worry of the group of kids that managed to sneak into the rated R movie you went to see purposely to avoid these little bastards only to endure their full conversation during the whole movie while simultaneously kicking your seat.  You little fuckers, just cause you’re thirteen, does not mean I won’t knock your ass out.
• Even worse, we wouldn’t have to deal with that precocious teenager who is at that age where they think everything they say is fucking hilarious and decide to pretend they’re on an episode of “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”  Your mommy only tells you how funny she thinks you are, because she’s feel bad calling you an annoying piece of crap, so I’ll do it for her.  SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH YOU ACNE-RIDDEN, VOICE CRACKING, SKATEBOARD RIDING DELINQUENT!

I think my grandma has the right idea.  She goes and sees movies on any given Tuesday, goes to the first show, and enjoys her film in complete and utter peace.  I unfortunately have to work for a living and therefore have to endure the Friday/Saturday parade of ignoramuses that are so inconsiderate of the fact that they’re sharing a movie theater with 300 other people.  I know it’s illegal to yell fire in a crowded theater but do you think it’s illegal to yell, “I’M GOING TO PUNCH THIS OBNOXIOUS ASSHOLE IN THE FACE!  WHO’S WITH ME?!”

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name:  Insecuricus Feebleus

No offense, but if you think I’m going to refer to these two assholes by their crappy merged nickname you might as well just throw yourself into a wood chipper.  Don’t you see?  That’s exactly what these smarmy, self-indulgent, shallow dingleberries want.  It ain’t happening.  I hate these people with every fiber of my being, and therefore I will not feed into their cutesy nickname bullshit.  So why have I waited so long to thin Mr. and Mrs. shit for brains from the herd?  Honestly, I have no idea.  I’ve made mention in regards to my hatred of both of these individuals, but have never given them their proper due.  Well enough is enough, it’s time for these no talent ass clowns to get what they have coming to them.

Let’s start with Heidi.

Some of you may have noticed that Heidi has decided to turn herself into Frankenstein’s monster by having 10 plastic surgeries in the same day.  If only two of those had been sewing her and Spencer’s mouths shut.  You poor, sad, pathetic Stepford wife (Seriously, look at her “now” face, completely devoid of all human emotion and cold, dead eyes that will pierce your soul.)  Here is what Heidi had done:

• Mini brow lift
• Botox in forehead and frown area
• Nose job revision
• Fat injections in cheeks, nasolabial folds and lips
• Chin reduction
• Neck liposuction
• Ears pinned back
• Breast augmentation revision
• Liposuction on waist, hips, and inner and outer thighs
• Buttock augmentation

Heidi, you’re 23 years old and you got a brow lift?  I don’t think Joan Rivers had one of those until she 178.  Wow, I knew you were insecure based on your acting performance on “The Hills,” but I had no idea you were THIS insecure.  Why don’t you just do us all a favor and start doing porn already?  We all know that’s the road you’re heading down with your new triple D’s leading the way.  Who knows?  It might be something you’re good at.

Okay Spencer, you’re turn.

Spencer Pratt, douchebag extraordinaire, with your translucent facial hair, what are you a polar bear?  Look it up people.  Spencer, you have spent your reality TV career trying to be the ultimate villain.  Well congratulations, because I for one wish everyday that you would’ve been eaten by a crocodile while filming, “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here,” down in Costa Rica.  I really don’t feel compelled to make that strong of a case for why you should be eradicated off the face of the Earth, I don’t think there would be much resistance to seeing you die.  That’s what you get for being a complete tool.

In a world where Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt didn’t exist to remind us of everything that is wrong with society:

• “The Hills” would still be a terrible show.
• We wouldn’t be able to laugh at Heidi’s record sales.  Haha, 658 copies in it’s first week?  Well, Heidi, what did you really expect after this music video from your previous opus:

The inevitable “I Think I’m a Celebrity” boxing match between Spencer and Danny Bonaduce would never come to fruition.  What I wouldn’t give to see the Duce split Spencer’s face open.
• We wouldn’t get to see just how retarded an offspring these two could possibly create.
TMZ would have to scramble to try and find celebrities to take pictures of who weren’t as vain as Heidi and Spencer.
• We wouldn’t get to see just how haggard Heidi is going to look by age 40.  Janice Dickinson ain’t got shit on Heidi.
• There would never be anyone else in history who would legally want to change his name to add the word “King” in front of it.  You have to earn that title Queen Spencer Pratt, and being Brody Jenner’s “manager” doesn’t cut it.

Goddamn it I hate these people, and I can’t stand how the media feeds into these cretins ego’s.  Please!  Just stop paying attention to them!  They’re like dogs, if you don’t pay attention to you, they lose interest and will return to licking their own scrotums in the corner of the room.  But if you continue to pet them and stroke their ego’s, they will hump your leg until you have to kick them in the junk.

But one has to have dreams right?

Poor Harry...you don't deserve this type of abuse...

Species Name: Boneheadicus Dreamkillerus

Okay, I promise I will stop harping on the Late Night fiasco after this post.  However, after watching Conan’s final episode of “The Tonight Show” last night, I was very moved.  Yes, that’s right, I said moved.  Contrary to popular belief I’m not completely devoid of human emotion, only when it comes to cats.  I was really moved when I was watching Conan’s farewell speech seen below:

I  hope you are watching Jeff Zucker, I hope you were watching to see what a class act looks like.  Conan could’ve totally torn you and your crumbling NBC empire a new one, but he chose the high road, something you clearly know nothing about.

Jeff Zucker, the President of NBC, has been a moron since far before he screwed Conan out of his legacy.  Zucker has been at the helm of the Titanic that is NBC.  Since Zucker got promoted back in 2007, NBC has gone from the number one network to the number four network.  Way to go D-bag.  How could this happen?  Well you have to remember, Zucker rode the Friends wave to the top of NBC. NBC’s “Must See TV” lineup was what skyrocketed the network to the top of the ratings charts, but then came shows like, “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here,” “Kath and Kim,” and of course “The Jay Leno Show.”  Now I would be remiss if I didn’t give some credit to NBC’s new Thursday night lineup of “Parks and Recreation,” “Community,” “The Office,” and “30 Rock.”  These are easily some of the most cleverly written comedies on TV, however not the ratings heavyweights of the “Must See TV” fare of the late 90’s-early 2000’s.  Now that I’ve gotten my praise of NBC out of the way, let’s imagine a world where Comcast would’ve had the intelligence to fire Jeff Zucker when they bought NBC Universal last month.

In a world where Jeff Zucker didn’t exist to give us Jews a bad name:

Conan wouldn’t wind up being the sacrificial lamb of your Jay Leno experiment gone awry.  We all told you that experiment would be a failure Jeff!  Nobody is drunk enough by 10pm to enjoy Jay Leno.
TV writers everywhere wouldn’t resent you nearly as much if you hadn’t done away with 40-50 writing jobs eliminating scripted television from your 10pm M-F slate.
• Fear Factor would never have existed and millions of Americans would’ve avoided vomiting from watching hot girls eat pig scrotum.  Classy Jeff.
Father of the Pride?  Really?  You thought that was going to be a primetime smash?  How did you become President of that network.
Somebody competent would be running NBC who would’ve given Conan more than a measely seven months to build an audience on “The Tonight Show.”
• You wouldn’t have been able to excise your revenge fantasy on Conan for all the years at Harvard that he got the better of you in the prank department because, well, frankly, he’s a lot smarter and funnier than you.  You showed him though, you got him arrested.  Way to take it too far.  You’re like the kid who gets frustrated during a game of hide and seek, because he chooses the crappiest hiding spots and always gets found first, and runs crying to mommy because it isn’t fair.  Wah!
• You wouldn’t be around to serve as a perfect case study for the other network heads of “How to run a network into the ground in a few short years.”  Also a good name for your autobiography.

Mark my words Jeff, you’re going to regret what you’ve done to Conan.  Hell, I’m sure you already are with the backlash that has been directed your way during this whole debacle.  I can only hope that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and The Masturbating Bear follow you out to your car one night after work and give you a proper soccer hooligan ass beating.  Then maybe you’ll move home to Florida and sell used cars, something I’m sure you’d be much better at than running a network.  Come on, you wouldn’t buy a car from this face?

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name:  Epicfailicus Lazyshiticus

Way to go Martha.  I hope you’re proud of yourself.  In one terribly run campaign, you’ve singlehandedly killed healthcare reform and everything the Obama presidency has been working towards in the last year.  Well, maybe that’s a little too harsh.  Let me put it another way.  In one terribly run campaign, you’ve managed to shame Ted Kennedy, causing him to rollover in his grave.  Or how about this Martha, in one terribly run campaign, you managed to lose to some ass clown who posed naked in Cosmopolitan twenty years ago and drives a pickup truck, which apparently makes him qualified to be a Senator.  Apparently the good people of Massachusetts think he is more of a qualified candidate then you are because you fucked this one up.

For those of you who only watch TMZ and Access Hollywood to get your pertinent news, Martha Coakley, a democrat, was running against Scott Brown, a Republican, yesterday to see who would take over the Senate seat left vacant after Ted Kennedy’s death a few months back.  Might not sound like a big deal, but you have to realize that there was a lot at stake in this election.  In order for the Democrats to maintain a filibuster-proof hold on the Senate, Coakley had to win.  If Brown was to win, the super majority that the Democrats held in the Senate would go down the toilet like last night’s Taco Bell (R.I.P. Taco Bell Founder.)  The Democrats losing their super majority basically means that any chance of healthcare reform would go down the toilet along with it.

Guess what happened?

In a world where Martha Coakley didn’t exist to further fuckup the Democratic party:

Someone with a shred of charisma would’ve been put up to run against the Cosmo nude model.
• Coakley wouldn’t have been around to make the dumbass mistake of calling beloved Boston Red Sox player, Curt Schilling, a Yankees fan.  Are you seriously that much of a fucking moron?  These people love the Red Sox.  The only time you should make any mention of the Yankees is in reference to seeing their severed heads mounted on the top of spheres displayed around Fenway Park.
• Any other Democratic candidate would’ve won that Senate seat.  It’s fucking Massachusetts after all, one of the most Democratic states in the whole fucking country.  Obama won that state by a landslide in the election.  Seriously!  How did you fuck this one up so badly Coakley?

• Oh right that’s how.  Maybe if you would’ve been a decent human being, and helped up that reporter than got body-slammed by one of your goons, you’d be a Senator right now.
• A competently run campaign wouldn’t have spelled Massachusetts incorrectly in one of their campaign ads.  Watch the very end in the fine print at the bottom.  Shameful.

• Are there really no other Kennedy’s left we could’ve thrown in that race?  Goddamn Kennedy curse…
• The Democratic candidate running in place of Coakley wouldn’t have been dumb enough to send an election memo to the White House, criticizing them for not paying the race its due attention.

Stop pointing fingers Coakley.  You have no one to blame but yourself.  If you hadn’t run such a blatantly lazy campaign, you might have won instead of losing to this guy:

All joking aside, as someone who was a big fan of every person with the last name Kennedy, it makes me really sad that you’ve tarnished Ted Kennedy’s legacy by being too lazy to shake some fucking hands out at Fenway in the cold.  Ted Kennedy spent the majority of his life trying to get healthcare reform passed in this country, and now, it has died with the person who has taken over his Senate seat.  Epic fail.

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name: Slimicus Horriblehumanbeingius

It takes a real Grade-A scumbag to blame the Haitian people for bringing this tragically devastating earthquake upon them because they made a deal with the devil.  Congratulations Pat Robertson, you are a certified piece of shit.  Pat Robertson carried his old bones onto TV to be the dignified man of God we never expected him to be.  He proceeded to say that Haiti made a deal with the devil in exchange for their freedom from the French.  He also claimed it was a true story.  Oh really asshole?  It’s a true story?  Please show me the history book where it states any group of people making a pact with Satan.  Hell, it doesn’t even say that in the Bible you fucking dullard.  Robertson claims that since the Haitians made this deal with Beezlebub, they have been plagued with one tragedy after another.  Jon Stewart put it best in his response on last night’s Daily Show, “Shut your pie hole old man!”

Isn’t it time for this guy to die already?  It’s pretty terrifying to think that this crazy nutbag could’ve actually been the President of our country if he had won back in 1988.  I never thought I would say this, but thank God for George H.W. Bush.  Anyone next to Robertson seems like Mother Teresa.  I’ve always thought right wing, Christian fundamentalists were batshit crazy, but Robertson really takes the cake.  Blame it on dementia, Alzheimers, or an overactive bladder, but there is no fucking excuse for making a comment like that when the rest of the world is trying to come together and help these poor people from not dying you insensitive maggot.

In a world where Pat Robertson didn’t exist to preach religious urban legends as cold hard facts:

• There would be one less person in the world who thinks they have the power to deflect hurricanes.  Oh wait, actually, there wouldn’t be anyone left in the world who thinks they could deflect hurricanes because that is a completely insane thought that only a person as delusional as Pat Robertson could come up with.
There would be one less racist, anti-semite, homophobe in the world.
Christians wouldn’t have to constantly shake their heads in disbelief/shame every time crazy Pappy Robertson opens his big yapper.

We’d have one less loon who thinks he has a red courtesy phone directly to God’s ear.  If that’s the case Pat, then maybe you have a large buildup of earwax because based on all your incorrect predictions, you’re not hearing God correctly.
Men of the cloth would strive to send positive messages instead of being Debbie Downer like Pat constantly is…seriously…how are you still alive?
The employees of CBN wouldn’t live in perpetual fear that Pat Robertson was going to put a curse on them if they looked him in the eyes in the hallway.
Pat would reach the pearly gates, God would check his guestlist, “Sorry Patty, not on the list…guess you know what that means…”

I hope that when you do die Pat, you are banished to Hell, and that all the dead Haitians will piss on your face from Heaven.

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name:  Justgoawayicus Youunfunnypieceofexcrementius

This is the first time that I have felt compelled to thin the same person from the herd twice, but you’ve really outdone yourself this time you big chinned fuckface.  You just couldn’t be the bigger man in this situation could you?  You’re so fucking concerned about falling into obscurity you have to ruin what Conan has worked to achieve for his entire adult life.  Because your 10pm show was a complete failure, now Conan has to suffer?  You’re going to take Conan’s dream away from him so that you can have some piddly half hour following the nightly news?  You are the biggest, pathetic, sack of shit I’ve come across in a very long time.

Now I know I should be mad at NBC too, and believe I am, but I can’t fault them too much, because this is strictly a business decision for them.  Unfortunately for Conan, based on history, Jay is a proven winner at 11:30 for some insane reason, and Conan’s numbers have been less than stellar.  Although NBC should realize that it takes time to build an audience.  Jay’s numbers sucked too when he took over Carson, but then he built a following, and I’m sure Conan would’ve done that too if given the chance.

But I digress.  Jay is the true villain in this situation because if he wasn’t such a greedy attention whore, and if he would’ve just graciously let his show be canceled and enjoyed his retirement, people would’ve had immense respect for the man.  Instead, I fear the backlash will be epic against Jay, and it should be.  I hope people picket outside his studio if and when he returns to his post at “The Tonight Show.”  I hope people keep a bag of tomatoes to throw at Jay when they see him riding down the street in his Denim Dan suit on his Harley.  Shit, let’s send that Nigerian terrorist over to Jay’s house with a gift basket.

I’m going to refrain from posting a list of why the world would be a better place without Jay Leno for two reasons.  One, I did it in my previous post, and two, it’s obvious that we would be living in a utopia if Jay wasn’t around to fuck everything up.

I will end by saying this.  Stay strong Conan.  I hope you swindle NBC out of every penny they owe you.  I know there is a penalty worked into your contract that if you go over to another network and they pay you less than the $20 mil that NBC was paying you, NBC has to pay the difference.  If I were you, I would march into Rupert Murdoch’s office over at FOX, tell him you’ll do a late night show for them, for $1.  Then we’ll see how much NBC still likes Jay Leno.

Go fuck yourself Jay Leno.

But one has to have dreams right?

Species Name:  Introverticus Fartoomuchtimetowastius

I have a feeling this rant is going to strike a nerve with some of you, so if you’re really protective over your digital crop on your digital farms, you have two options.  One, Don’t read this, or two, suck it up you pussies.   After all, you are spending your time tending to your fake farm in fucking cyberspace.  I, like many of you who don’t waste your time with these silly games intended for autistic children, can’t stand when this pops up on my Facebook status updates list:

Now when you set up your Farmville to post updates to your Facebook feed, you were probably thinking, “Oooh!  People are going to so impressed that I earned a ‘Pretty Penny’ Blue Ribbon!  Yee Haw!”  Well guess what asshole?  If you really want to impress people, how about actually try farming, develop some calluses on your hands from actual manual labor instead of calluses from incessant mouse clicking.  I don’t get this shit at all…I mean I’m no elitist, I like to play a game via Facebook now and again, but how about a game that at least stimulates your brain a little bit, like Scrabble for instance.  Maybe it’s just me, but Scrabble seems far more stimulating than finding some “White Mystery Eggs!”  “Wow!  Mystery eggs!  I wonder what’s inside of them!  Oh wait, no I don’t, I actually don’t give a flying fuck!”  If you aren’t really familiar with Farmville, this video should help sum it up:

In a world where these pointless Facebook games didn’t exist to constantly remind those of us who don’t play, just how uninteresting your life truly is:

• Productivity at jobs all across the country would skyrocket 200%
• People would remember that video games are supposed to be fun and visually stimulating.
• You wouldn’t experience delusions of grandeur because you built a new barn to house all your fake barnyard animals.  You’re still a loser who sits in front of your computer in your Mom’s basement, not a real farmer contributing to the feeding of society.
• The millions of people who play these wastes of life games would be forced to venture out into society.
• I wouldn’t be left asking myself, “You found a penguin on your farm?!  How’s that even fucking possible?!?”
• People would realize that it’s bad enough they spend most of their day perusing status updates without having to venture into playing some pointless, never-ending game.
• People wouldn’t be forced to block these Farmville players from their Facebook feeds as the only way to avoid the obnoxious posts from your exciting games.
• With all the extra time available in these people’s lives, they could write their Great American novel, scale Mt. Everest a few times, and maybe even have time to circumnavigate the globe.

If you kept the fact that you were playing these games secret from the Facebook community, then I couldn’t care less.  It’s the fact that you felt the need to check that box that said, “share your activity with your Facebook friends,” or whatever it says.  That’s the part that really pisses me off.  I’d much rather read thrilling status updates like, “taking a dump,” “watching ‘Leap Year’,” or “enjoying coating my entire body in Vaseline.”  Anything would be better than finding out that some stupid black sheep wandered onto your farm.  You want to know what I have to say about that?  Where’s the mint jelly, we’re eating lambchops!

But one has to have dreams right?